Memento mori
by sailor8t
Summary: Sometimes the past is a living thing.


The 100 belong to Kass Morgan and the CW and who knows who else. They aren't mine, and I'm borrowing them for my own amusement, and will put them back when I'm done.

* * *

As winter ended, Lexa received several reports of raids along the northern borders of Trigeda lands. She had just turned 15, and took her first step toward living up to the title bestowed on her.

She listened to her advisers and studied maps for one day before announcing her intended revenge. This began one of the most miserable times of her brief life She slogged through rain and mud with her raiding party. They all suffered from the weather, especially at night when temperatures fell, freezing their wet leather outerwear into miserably stiff armor.

Lexa didn't complain. Although she could have used her position to avoid chores, Lexa tended her own horse and gear, set up her own tent, and stood in line for food. She walked the camp every night, taking time to speak with her warriors, learn their names and a little about each of them. Although her mentors said it was foolish and useless to spend time with fighters below her station, Lexa ignored them.

In return, the troops adored her. By the time they reached the border, their small, fierce commander led a group that did her bidding as much because she asked as it was their duty.

What she found near the border sickened Lexa and hurt her heart. Her people – trappers and hunters and their families – lay dead and naked under the slate gray sky, their homes mounds of burnt charcoal surrounded by the stumps of supporting posts. Everything of any value, no matter, how inconsequential, had been taken. She took the time to give the dead of each village a proper farewell.

She was still young and rash, though, and led her fighters across the border to return the favor many times over. By the time Lexa finished, the Azgeda border had been pushed back miles on each of the three major roads.

After several weeks of wholesale destruction, the lack of opposition convinced Lexa that her point was made. She and her army marched home through mud and rain. Summer was coming on fast by the time they returned to TonDC.

At the feast celebrating their return, Lexa sat and stared into the fire. Around her, people ate, drank, sang, and danced. She watched them from time to time, but no one approached her until she was nearly ready to retire.

The girl was her age, but filled out. She was, Lexa was instantly certain, the most beautiful girl she'd ever seen. Her face was flushed, hazel eyes sparkling.

She offered Lexa a cup and sat beside her. "Why are you sad, Heda? This is a celebration."

"I'm not sad," Lexa lied and accepted the drink. "Mochof."

"You look sad."

"Why do you say that?"

"You don't smile."

Lexa nodded solemnly and emptied the cup. She tried to return it, but the beautiful girl refilled it.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why don't you smile?"

"I have no reason."

The girl laughed and nodded toward the party. "There's a reason."

Lexa shrugged. The small amount of alcohol she'd had didn't account for the warmth that engulfed her. "What's your name?"

"Costia."

"It's beautiful."

Costia blushed a little and smiled at Lexa. "You are."

Lexa called on her training to remain stoic, but a small smile broke out. Costia laughed again, and again Lexa felt a rush of warmth.

"I knew you could do it. Come have fun. Dance with me."

Lexa stalled for a moment, but Costia pulled her to her feet. Before Lexa knew what happened, she was in the center of the celebration, spinning around Costia and the fire.

It took hours for the party to die down, and Lexa spent every one of them transfixed by the other girl.

They were among the last to leave. Lexa walked Costia home and flushed again when Costia kissed her cheek. "Good night, Heda."

"Leksa."

Costia smiled and kissed Lexa's cheek again. "Good night, Leksa," she said, and entered her home.

Lexa watched, fingers on her cheek.

* * *

After that, Costia was always around. She watched Lexa, smiled at her, fell in beside her to talk, and always found a way to touch her. Lexa wondered whether Costia felt the same buzz under her skin when they touched.

Around her, Lexa's councilors watched and debated whether the flirtation should be allowed to continue. Lexa ignored them and spent more time with Costia. They hunted together, walked through the woods, sat under the stars to talk. Once Lexa was certain Costia would keep her secrets – Lexa's personal thoughts, not those of the heda – she talked more. She smiled more, too, laughed occasionally, and played silly games with Costia.

"Are you still sad?" Costia asked one evening when they walked the forest, seeking time alone.

"No." Lexa smiled. "You make me happy."

Costia kissed her, and the electric tingle of their connection shorted out Lexa's brain. "I like making you happy."

Lexa realized finally where Costia had been leading her and willingly surrendered.

Within the month, Costia was installed in Lexa's home. They learned about each others' bodies, how to get along, how to fight and make up. They loved each other without reservation, in the way that happens only with first love.

None of it kept Lexa from her duties. If anything, she understood better all that was at risk. She trained and studied harder, determined to learn everything necessary to keep her people safe. Lexa's obvious happiness, far from being the distraction that her advisers thought it would be, calmed and focused her.

Months slipped by, then a year, in which there was peace not only in Lexa's heart but across the Trikru lands. Once every few months, she rode with her guards to outlying villages to check that all was well. Those trips were brief, and mostly consumed by travel. As much as Lexa hated to leave her, Costia remained in TonDC when Lexa rode away. They developed a routine around those trips, one that left Lexa smiling and shifting uneasily in her saddle when she rode away and eager to return when her business was complete.

In early spring, at the start of her second year with Costia, everything went to hell.

Lexa returned from a brief hunting trip to find TonDC armed and suspiciously silent. Indra had the dirty job of telling Lexa that Costia was gone. They had no idea when she left or where she might have gone. Lexa agreed, after examining their home, that Costia did not leave voluntarily. Trackers and scouts had been searching since Costia's absence was noticed, but after a week, they all returned downcast.

Lexa waited and hoped, her emotions churning. She didn't sleep much, and it became routine to see her pacing alone through and around the village. She tried to channel her anxiety into productive action, but found no distraction.

During the second month of Costia's absence, Lexa returned home to find a box on her map table. She circled it warily, and asked about its origin, but no one had answers. Lexa took a deep breath and opened it.

Her world froze. Costia's pale face looked up at her. Her lover's hair was gone, ripped out by the roots in places. Her beautiful face was covered in cuts, scrapes, and bruises. An ear was missing.

A mocking message was burned into the underside of the lid. Signed by the queen of the Ice Nation, it insinuated things that Lexa couldn't take in at the moment. She stared at Costia's remains, unable to reconcile them with the girl who teased and kissed her goodbye before Lexa went into the woods.

As it began to sink in, Lexa howled her rage and grief. People came running, and were all stunned when they saw the cause. The first to reach for the box found his hand pinned to the table by Lexa's dagger. "You," she growled, "will not touch her." She jerked her dagger free. "Away."

Gustus, who had been with her since she began training when she was eight, started to speak to her. "Heda."

"Away," she repeated.

He pushed everyone ahead of him as he left.

Lexa stood at the table for hours, staring at all that was left of Costia, remembering every wonderful thing about her. She didn't remember lighting the lamp. Nor did she consciously recall reading and re-reading the message on the box. She didn't speak or cry or look away as she blamed herself and named her sins: Her arrogant belief that they were safe in the heart of her lands; her complacency over their security; and her youthful beliefs in their immortality and the idea that love withstood everything and conquered in the end.

Her grief burned those beliefs to her foundations and left in its place an implacable determination to not surrender to such weakness again.

In the morning, she called her war council. They stood around the table, waiting for Lexa to say something and tried not to look at the box or its contents. Looking at Lexa was just as difficult.

"We march tomorrow," she ordered, and dismissed them.

Lexa took time to pack everything of Costia's into a trunk. She closed it and shoved it into a dim corner of her quarters, unable to part with those things. When she left her home a few hours later, she held the box. She treated it with reverence as she prepared Costia's small pyre. By the time she was ready to light it, Lexa was surrounded six deep on all sides. Everyone in the village heard what happened, and came to say their own goodbyes.

Lexa choked and had to begin the words again when before thrust the burning torch into the small pile. "Your fight is over," she said, barely loud enough to hear. She stood for hours while the fire burned to ash, and her people stood with her.

The destruction Trikru rained down on the Azgeda during their last incursion looked like a child's game compared to the rampage Lexa unleashed this time. For months, she ranged through the Ice Nation, killing without thought and engaging in mindless destruction that did nothing to assuage her pain. After the first month, every village they approached was empty, and that enraged her even more. She ordered her troops to destroy everything, and left ripped up fields, smoldering ruins, and poisoned wells in their wake.

There were two large battles that cost both sides dearly. In both, Lexa was a dervish of destruction. She showed the Azgeda the same mercy they showed Costia, and both times chased the Ice Nation army from the field. In the second fight, she was injured enough that she was carried from the field to the healers' tent. When she regained consciousness there, Lexa still heard the sounds of battle, and returned to it, ignoring her headache, nausea, two bandaged but still bleeding wounds, and the constant urging of those around her to return to the healers.

Had it been solely her decision, Lexa would have pursued the Azgeda to the end of the world. But spring passed, and summer, and as autumn showed, she knew they had to retreat or lose everything. She took a previously unused route home, taking for her troops what they needed along the way and demolishing everything else. It was the end of autumn by the time the remains of her army reached home.

She was not happy with the final outcome of the invasion, and while everyone recovered during the winter, Lexa brooded and considered another assault in the spring. She let no one near her as she walked the ground where she had once been happy.

In the end, she abandoned her plans for immediate revenge. It was not in the best interests of her people. Their population was reduced by the war, and further by the deaths of those who, in their weakened and injured states, succumbed to the routine illnesses of winter.

The change in Lexa's demeanor was known throughout her lands. She was heda, and only heda. She held everything in, and her interactions with others were noticeably lacking in warmth. Lexa tended to her duties. She did nothing for her personal enjoyment, and anyone who might have been considered a suitor was immediately banished from her presence. The few who had the bright idea to sneak into her bed were unceremoniously shoved out the door no matter their state of dress.

It was a long time before she spoke of Costia, and then it was to an outsider, the girl her people referred to as Skai Prisa. Clarke Griffin had surprised her more than once, most recently at the funeral pyre for the Lexa's people murdered by one of the Skaikru and their killer.

Skai Prisa said the proper words, spoke them clearly and correctly and started the blaze. Lexa knew that Clarke was hurting over the death of the Skai boy, and told her, "I lost someone special to me, too. Her name was Costia. She was captured by the Ice Nation, whose queen believed she knew my secrets. Because she was mine they tortured her, killed her, cut off her head."

It was the first time since Costia's death that she spoke her lover's name. Clarke saw the overwhelming sadness on Lexa's face and her own hurt was momentarily forgotten. Lexa would never forget Costia, but Clarke would shed Finn's memory as youthful indiscretion. They stood silently, side by side, and watched the fire burn to ash.

-30-


End file.
